Commencement Speaker Options Other than Scott Brown

Sadly my fellow BC Law students, the likelihood of Scott Brown being our commencement speaker is pretty low. Clearly, I do not base this on anything Garvey has said. The man knows how to duck direct questions like a champ. I base this on the fact that Brown is going to be too busy playing basketball in the balmy D.C. spring weather, right after he finishes reconciling the books on his new business DateMyDaughters.com. As for John Kerry, not only would he be a repeat offender, but he presumably will be too busy playing golf on Nantucket by that point, so he’s out.

To throw Garvey a bone, I’ve taken to the streets to compile the people’s choice. Below are some suggestions from the more enlightened members of the Class of 2010 (and others I thought might be amusing. Turns out I was wrong).  At worst, this list shows just unfunny and uncreative you are by the time you’re a second semester 3L….This also might be the last time I go outside my weird little brain for content.

N.B. I banned any Comedy Central related entities. Too obvious as almost every single person’s first suggestion fell in that category.

Tyler: Charles Barkley. Me: Why? Tyler: Have you ever heard him talk? And those Charles Barkley- Dwayne Wade commercials are fantastic

Chris: My dad. BC Law grad, all around good guy, and had a cool mustache from 1973-1984. He also plans ahead and may have already picked out his obituary picture. Gotta respect that.

Jay: Jay-Z. First, for all of us going into constitutional law the song “99 Problems” is basically a synopsis of the Supreme Court’s opinion in Illinois v. Caballes. For those of us going into corporate work, the man’s a tycoon who bought out his partner in Roc-A-Fella (Dame Dash) a few years ago. Interested in sports law? The guy owns a piece of the Nets and is advising LeBron on his plan for free agency after this season. If you’re interested in property law or civil rights law, his song “The Blueprint” discusses how he and others face racial discrimination when trying to purchase an apartment in Manhattan. There’s really no one else out there with the breadth of legal expertise that Sean Carter has.

At least a few people: Steve Jobs in hopes he will give us all a new iPad

Anonymous: Heidi Montag’s boobs, because there is more life in those than there is in her face

Ryan: A John Edwards family reunion

Adam: I guess I wouldn’t mind a SCOTUS judge, just not Scalia or Thomas…I don’t want to be preached to.

Mark: A rabbi, because Jesus is dead.

Me: A panel discussion including Charlie Sheen, Chris Brown, and Jason Kidd

Many people: Conan, he’s hilarious and can talk about contracts and fiscal irresponsibility

Mike: Lady Gaga, but I require at least 9 costume changes

Kerianne: Joel McHale, because his speech would be in the form of reality T.V. clips

Dan: The entire cast of “The Deep End”
 
Andy: Snuffalufagus (no explanation was given)

Kelsey: Oprah, because she owns humanity

Lauren: Mike Leach. He has a law degree but one day decided he didn’t like big law and wanted to coach football. And he’s known as the pirate.  (Writer’s note: There’s some weird controversy surrounding Leach about an equipment shed and perhaps a player inside…but clearly torture has never been a problem for BC)

Dave: A hobo, to give us an accurate portrait of our futures

Ryan: Ted Kennedy’s corpse (Writer’s note: too soon)

Non-BCLS person: Barney Frank because Elmer Fudd reminds me of my childhood

A friend of a friend: Danny Devito to see if he showed up drunk and alternatively to determine if he could see over the podium

Another friend of a friend: Tyler Swift just to see if Kanye would interrupt her again

Andrew: Bernie Sanders, to break up the glaringly apparent right-wing stranglehold on this supposed honor.

Jordan (a 2L but he was around when I was asking, so we’ll let it slide): Glenn Beck because he would bring himself to tears, and it will be the first time anyone has cried at the thought of leaving law school…or Keyboard Cat

Brian: Scott Strapp because Creed is the most inspirational band ever

Frank: The president of U.S. News & World Report to maybe boost the rankings without doing a damn thing to improve the school

Sean: What about a gavel? Adam: What is with you and suggesting inanimate objects? Sean: What other inanimate object did I suggest- oh yeah, Martha Coakley

Rebecca: Jerry O’Connell because he’s in law school…and apparently law school is officially worse than the D list

Everyone: any member of Jersey Show but especially Vinny as he can remind us of how much it blew to apply to law school in the first place

Me: The North Carolina lawyers who schemed to make DUI cases disappear because we all would benefit from their reinstatement to the bar.