Custody Battle Leaves 1L Clique in Disarray
“The Council”, the notoriously exclusive 1L clique, was recently shocked to learn that Council members Jessica Snide and Martin Blain had broken off their relationship and were currently negotiating a divorce settlement. Council matriarch Shannon Whalley told Eaglei that “although Martin and Jess weren’t actually married or engaged, there is nothing in the law that says they can’t sign and negotiate a divorce.” The recently broken up couple began splitting up their joint possessions late last week, including their pet miniature Schnauzer, “Rehnquist”, their lunch table in the Yellow Room, and their DVD collection including the Notebook, Tears of Endearment, and Kazaam. Negotiations came to a standstill yesterday when custody challenges were issued on their communal friends.
Whalley is a self-professed expert in family law and has agreed to represent Blain in the ensuing divorce proceedings. The negotiations reached a boiling point when opposing attorney and fellow Council member, Jack Swift, filed custody challenges for the remaining nine members of the Council. “It is inconceivable that Ms. Snide share social occasions with Mr. Blain,” he argued, “the only sensible thing to do is grant custody to Ms. Snide so that she does not have to interact with him at lunch, bar reviews, and ski trips to New Hampshire.” Snide’s attorney countered with counter-claims for conversion of property to wit her Duke hooded sweatshirt, a loss of consortium claim for Mr. Blain’s dealer/roommate, and an intentional infliction of emotional distress claim for Mr. Blain’s extreme and outrageous misty flip at the last skiing trip.
After each party presented his or her respective case that he or she is a good guardian to receive custody of the Council members, the gritty friend draft began. While Snide immediately chose her shopping partner, Lily Tomkins, Blain chose custody of the Council funnyman, Max Bender.
The Council has since endured civil war as the friends are made to choose sides. Tomkins described the conflict, “Basically it’s like the Rapture. Good and Evil are battling for the Council and if you don’t think Martin is a dick you’ll side with Jess, obvi.” Custody battles are expected to continue on until next week. Lunch time in the Yellow Room has since endured chaos in the wake of the fragmentation of the Council. Section 4 has still not recuperated and will shortly need Reconstruction legislation.
Whalley and Swift recently confided to Eaglei reporters at a bar review over the weekend, “we’re really arguing over who is going to hook up with their client first,” they proudly exclaimed after tequila shots, “we’ve been waiting for those two to break up anyway.” At the same bar review Swift told the remaining Council members, “Jess is way too hot to be tied down anyway. I’ll probably seal the deal with her after we finalize the divorce.” Snide was unavailable for comment.